


Brother-Touchers 2.0

by The_Whelk



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Archer takes Doctor Strange very seriously okay, Asimov's rules of robotics are useless against them, Complete, F/M, Gen, I think I stopped numbering the shots halfway through ...., Screenplay/Script Format, Tags stolen from Tumblr, Written on a Dare, robots everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 15:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Whelk/pseuds/The_Whelk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archer and Lana crash Cyril's family reunion  to spy on his wealthy, robotics-obessed great uncle. It doesn't go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brother-Touchers 2.0

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a dare because someone on Metafilter said I had the tone of the show down and I need more experience writing in screenplay format.

1 EXT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- ESTABLISHING - MORNING  
MALORY (O.S)  
No, no, and no.  
ARCHER  
Oh come on mother!  
2 INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS -- BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS  
Malory and Archer walk through the office with Archer trailing slightly behind. Archer carries a MOTORCYCLE MAGAZINE open to a pin-up. Malory walks ahead of him, sunglasses fixed ahead, sipping from a FLASK removed from her FUR COAT.  
ARCHER  
Just look at her!  
Archer holds up the MAGAZINE PIN-UP to the camera. We see a gorgeous blond woman in a bikini riding an impressive chrome-plated motorcycle.  
ARCHER (O.S.)  
Dual pump action, rounded grill, thrusting power in the behind, this is literally the only thing I've ever wanted.  
The camera returns to them walking, Malory doesn't stop walking while looking at the pin-up.  
MALORY  
Which one?  
ARCHER  
The bike, obviously, I'm sure the girl isn't part of the deal, although it couldn't hurt to--  
MALORY  
Sterling Malory Archer!  
ARCHER  
What? Like if her father says it's cool.  
MALORY  
I am not letting you buy some mobile organ donation machine. My God, why don't you slap "Mid-Life Crisis" on the back of that thing along with some flame decals and an I HEART ACID REFLUX bumper sticker?  
ARCHER  
Well, mother, you're not the boss of me and you can't tell me what or who I can't buy anymore.  
MALORY  
I am the boss of you and you are not getting a single dime from me or ISIS for that -- that  
Malory takes another swing from her FLASK  
ARCHER  
Totally necessary slice of awesome?  
MALORY  
We're in the middle of a crunch as it is, it's all I can do to keep the place lit and heated. ISIS is not your personal piggybank.  
DELIVERY MAN (O.S)  
Package for Malory Archer?  
The camera pans over to a delivery crew wheeling in a LARGE GOLDEN IDOL.  
DELIVERY MAN  
Where do'ya want it ma'am?  


MALORY  
Oh just put it in my office, the big one down the hall.  
The delivery men wheel the LARGE GOLDEN IDOL down the hall and out of frame. Archer POINTS at them and glares at Malory.  
MALORY  
That is a necessary part of business. How do you think it would look if clients came into my office and didn't see-  
ARCHER  
The lost treasures of the Inca?  
MALORY  
Proof that we are a successful operation that can handle any job given to us.  
ARCHER  
Which is exactly what a double Chrome 14 piston, overcharged ass-kicking cycle would do!  
MALORY  
No.  
ARCHER  
Come on!  
2 INT -- ISIS OFFICE -- CHERYL'S DESK  
FIGGIS leans on CHERYL's desk with a pleading expression. CHERYL sits at her desk, typing away at her work station. In the background we can see ARCHER and MALORY arguing.  
CHERYL  
No way.  
FIGGIS  
C'mon, It's just one day! I'll pay you.  
CHERYL  
You couldn't afford me Figkrill.  
FIGGIS  
That's not what I meant -- wait Figkrill?  
PAM enters from the right, carrying file folders.  
PAM  
Yea she's been on an aquatic animal naming kick. I got Pamikun, after that whale that kept killing its trainers.  
CHERYL  
Such majestic creatures.  
PAM  
What's all this about, Krilly?  
FIGGIS  
It's my Great Uncle Augustus, he's invited everybody up to Averton Island for some big family reunion and if I go by myself then I'll look like the-  
PAM  
Pathetic crustation you are?  
FIGGIS  
No! But also yes. Augusts' side of the family has hated me since before I was born, please?  
3 INT. ISIS OFFICE HALLWAY  
Camera cuts to front view of Malory and Archer walking past Cheryl's desk. We can hear Figgis' and Cheryl's discussion in the background.  
MALORY  
No! And I mean it Archer you can't just go off on any whim you-- wait. Did someone say Augustus Averton?  
Malory turns toward the desk. Pam and Cheryl point at Friggis.  
MALORY  
Dr. Augustus Averton? Of Averton robotics? He's your Grand Uncle? And you never once thought to tell us?  
ARCHER  
Yeah what gives Cyril? I thought you where the first person in your family to own a tie.  
FIGGIS  
Well the Averton side of the family cut my father off after he -- married an Italian.  
PAM  
Oh my god.  
MALORY  
So awful  
CHERYL  
I know, with thier little mustaches and organ monkeys.  
MALORY  
Averton Robotics has been working on a hush-hush government contract up on that island for a decade. This could be just the chance to convince them they need to hire ISIS for security.  
Malory takes another swing from her FLASK  
MALORY  
(under her breath)  
Or, steal some intel and sell it back to them.  
FIGGIS  
What?  
MALORY  
(cheerfully)  
Nothing! Cyril, you're going to that party. Take Sterling with you.  
ARCHER  
What?! No mother, I am not doing another fake marriage mission. Those always go in ...unsettling directions.  
FIGGIS  
I don't want to take Archer either.  
ARCHER  
Cause it starts out all business but then you're picking out curtains and-  
MALORY  
Fine! Cyril, you go with Pam. Archer tags along.  
ARCHER  
I'm not going stag to a private island party. I don't wanna look like krill-boy over here.  
MALORY  
Then take Lana.  
FIGGIS  
How am I going to explain that I've brought another couple to a family reunion?  
MALORY  
Who cares? Make something up! You're spies! Just get in there and convince Dr. Averton they need ISIS on the job.  
Malory walks away, muttering under her breath. There's an awkward beat before Pam speaks up.  
PAM  
Oh lighten up landlubbers. This'll be fun, like a fake double date. Between people who used to have sex. With each other.  
CHERYL:  
(sighing)  
This is the hospital's Spring Fling Dance all over again.  
4\. MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE -- (:45)  
5\. EXT. A LONELY COUNTRY ROAD -- AFTERNOON -- LATER  
A luxury sedan speeds down the lane, swerving and grazing a leaf pile by the side of the road.  
PAM (O.S)  
You know, there isn't a lot of good that comes from doctors with their own islands.  
6\. INT. THE CAR  
Figgis, SWEATING, nervously drives and GRIPS THE WHEEL as if it's a life preserver. Archer is spread out in the backseat wearing a pair of SUNGLASSES . Both he and Figgis are in suits. Lana looks out the backseat window while Pam holds her PURSE in her lap. She is dressed in a chic black and white dress.  
PAM  
Doctor No, Doctor Moreau, Doctor Strange--  
FIGGIS  
(frantically)  
Doctor Strange doesn't have an island!  
ARCHER  
Exactly! He has a brownstone in Greenwich Village.  
FIGGIS  
I thought it was a house in Brooklyn.  
PAM  
I thought it was some kind of dome.  
ARCHER  
(angrily, pointed)  
It's a Sactum Santorum! That implies safety and security which means a top-end security system, and he's got to stay local and accessible to the superhuman community, so it has be in the city.  
LANA  
Oh My God, who cares?  
ARCHER  
This is important Lana.  
(scoffs)  
Like Sorcerer Supreme lives in Brooklyn.  
The CAR swerves as Cyril makes another hard turn.  
PAM  
Slow your buns there Krilly. Why don't you calm down long enough to keep your eyes on the road?  
ARCHER  
Heh, buns.  
FIGGIS  
I just wanna make good time!  
LANA  
I know Archer's too hungover to drive.  
ARCHER  
This is true  
LANA  
And Pam's not licensed to drive anything but a tractor.  
PAM  
Class F for life bitch.  
LANA  
But why again can't I drive if you're gonna freak out at every suspicious looking leaf pile in New England?  
FIGGIS  
I'm not sure Uncle Averton would be comfortable seeing a woman driving a car.  
LANA  
Oh, well fine then. Can I call him Augustus or should I just say "Master"?  
PAM  
(snorts a laugh)  
What's this guy's deal anyway?  
FIGGIS  
I don't know. We weren't very close, but my Dad would always use him as a threat like "Put all your pencils away Cyril or I'll send you to live with Uncle Auggie."  
ARCHER  
Figgis, I know this won't be the last time I say this, but your childhood makes me sad.  
FIGGIS  
He's not all bad. He sent a can of deviled ham to my mother's funeral.  
LANA  
That settles it then, you're practically the Waltons  
FIGGIS  
Could everybody just be quiet? We're almost there, I just need to concentrate.  
7\. EXT. A METAL BRIDGE CONNECTING TO AN ISLAND -- OVERHEAD  
The CAR, seen from above, drives over the bridge . As the car continues into the distance, THE BRIDGE slowly turns, cutting off access to the ISLAND.  
8\. EXT. A GRAND, SPRAWLING GEORGIAN MANSION -- DAY  
The car drives up an ornate and statue-flanked driveway up toward the house  
PAM (O.S)  
Hello Uncle Moneybags.  
ARCHER (O.S)  
Seriously this is like Brideshead Redux.  
Archer and company exit the car and walk toward the MANSION STEPS, gawking the whole way.  
LANA  
Revisited. It's Brideshead Revisited.  
ARCHER  
Whatever! It's definitely a house with a name, like Briar Sheild or Ravenswood or Raven Squire or....  
Archer closes his eyes and moves his hand in the air.  
(reverently)  
Greystonewood.  
Archer opens his eyes.  
LANA  
How about Shut-the-hell-up-and-remember-  
our-cover-story ....wood.  
The elaborately carved doors of the mansion open and out saunters AUGUSTUS and IVY AVERTON, resplendent in High WASP style - red pants, blue blazer and scot for him, white sundress and pearls for her.  
IVY  
Yoo-hoo!  
AUGUSTUS  
Is that little Cyril FIggis? C'mon give your Uncle Auggie a hug!  
Cyril winces and moves toward the oncoming Avertons and endures an awkward hug.  
IVY  
Look how you've grown, we haven't seen you since your mother died.  
FIGGIS  
Actually you didn't see me then-  
AUGUSTUS  
And who is this lovely lady?  
FIGGIS  
Oh, this? This is Pam. Pam Poovey.  
PAM  
Pleased to meet'cha.  
FIGGIS  
(Laughs nervously)  
She's my ...big ole' bundle of love  
Figgis puts his arm around Pam. Pam strains a smile and POKES Figgis in his ribs.  
PAM  
Oh yeah, he's just my sweet little sack of crap.  
IVY  
(gesturing toward Lana and Archer)  
And you must be?  
Archer walks up and shakes her hand.  
ARCHER  
Sterling Archer, ISIS security, may I say how lovely you look today Miss?  
IVY  
Oh my, aren't you a charmer?  
Lana groans through a smile  
ARCHER  
And this is my personal secretary, Manderlay De Winter.  
Lana yelps and turns it into a laugh at the last second, extending her hand to Ivy.  
LANA  
Charmed.  
Lana glares at Archer.  
IVY  
So nice to meet friends of the family. Now, Come come, you must see the rest of the party.  
They walk up the steps to the house, Lana pulls Archer close as they walk  
LANA  
(whispering)  
What the hell Sterling? We had an iron-clad cover--  
ARCHER  
What, we're here to sell the guy on ISIS security, right? He knows where Cyril works so he probably knows who we are - well who I am anyway, you're kind of an also-ran, no offense.  
LANA  
Personal secretary?!  
Archer  
Uh, fact check, Cyril said the guy couldn't take seeing a woman drive so a full agent would just be like, three times worse.  
LANA  
We had cover for that, I was a waitress from Boston.  
ARCHER  
Well then I think I did you a favor and you're welcome-  
The carved doors creak as the group walks inside.  
INT. THE PARLOR --  
The doors open, revealing a massive space with double staircases, floor to ceiling windows, tiered chandelier, the works. The room is full of guests dressed after the Averton's aesthetics in suit jackets and summery dresses. They are served canapes and cocktails by tuxedo-clad cater-waiters. The crowd is conspicuously white compared to the waiters.  
AUGUSTUS  
Here is the small parlor, it's really only used for family.  
PAM  
What's the big parlor? Liechtenstein?  
FIGGIS nervously laughs and wipes his brow.  
A plate of mini pigs-in-a-blanket comes into focus in close-up. Focus returns to Pam in the background, reacting to the sight.  
PAM  
Ooo, Mini-Weenies!  
Pam raises her hand to wave over the cater-waiter but is stopped by Figgis hooking his arm around her and pushing her to follow Augustus.  
PAM  
(sadly)  
Goodbye, wee weenies.  
INT. AVERTON HOUSE HALLWAY  
Pam, Cyril, Lana and the Avertons walk down a painting fastooned hallway. Cyril keeps WIPING his BROW and SWEATING visibly. Augustus' PHONE RINGS inside his suit jacket, he takes the call.  
AUGUSTUS  
Ahoy? Yes? Not the coolant again? All right I'll be there in a second.  
Augustus snaps the phone shut.  
AUGUSTUS  
Ivy, be a sport and show the young ones around would you? I have a rhododendron emergency to attend.  
IVY  
Not at all lovey.  
Ivy walks toward the camera.  
IVY  
Through here dears.  
EXT - THE GARDEN PATIO  
The group enters a lush ornamental garden patio stuffed with wicker chairs and statue busts. The chairs and couches in question are littered with family members of varying ages and genders, all of whom are dressed as if they just escaped from Murder On The Orient Express.  
IVY  
Here's the inner sanctum, as it were. Auntie Agatha, Cousin Reiley, Constance , Father Malberry, Hewitt Stems-Patch--  
We CUT to close-ups on each of the party guests as they are named. Each one of them looks like a an Agatha Christe suspect- a sinister woman in red, a tight-faced old maid with a knitting bag, a smirking tweedy type with a pipe, a port-swilling pastor, and so on.  
IVY  
And my own dear boys, Basil and Dorian.  
Basil and Dorian are spread out across a day bed, heads resting on opposite ends. They're identical twins, young, blonde, and dressed in matching white suits with flowers in their lapels. Their eyes are closed and they don't acknowledge that they're being talked to.  
IVY  
Boys! This is Cousin Cyril and friends.  
The twins remain impassive.  
IVY  
(chuckling)  
No need to be rude now.  
DORIAN  
We deeply apologize Mater.  
BASIL  
The excitement has completely depleted us  
DORIAN  
We can't spare a single joule on common courtesy.  
BASIL  
Not a one.  
DORIAN  
Basil and I should really top off if we're going to be of any use later.  
BASIL  
Really we should.  
IVY  
(sighing)  
Alright, fine, go - but I want you on deck for the Regatta at 6 sharp. Speaking of which, I should go check on the set-up, those workmen can be awfully loud sometimes. Hope you have fun with the rest of the party Cyril.  
Basil and Dorian languidly arise in unison and walk out the room, following Ivy. They walk past Lana and Pam. Lana leans in to talk privately.  
LANA  
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
PAM  
Oh yeah. Totally brother touching.  
LANA  
Totally. Hey? Where's Archer?  
INT. -- THE PARLOR  
Archer motions toward an elderly cater-waiter with a tray of drinks. The drinks are clear save for a stalk of celery in each glass.  
ARCHER  
Hey Not-Woodhouse, bring one of those babies over here.  
Archer takes a gulp of the drink.  
ARCHER  
Whoa that is - that is a lot of alcohol.  
FREEMONT  
It's an Averton Mary sir, specialty of the house. It follows the traditional Bloody Mary but without all those offensive spices and juices and peppers and-  
ARCHER  
So ...it's a glass a vodka.  
FREEMONT  
With celery, sir.  
Archer finishes the drink in another gulp.  
FREEMONT  
Is there anything more I can do for you sir?  
Archer HANDS the empty GLASS back to Freemont.  
ARCHER  
Just keep those coming.  
FREEMONT  
Of course sir.  
Freemont leaves and Archer takes a deep breath.  
ARCHER  
I'm in such a good place right now.  
EXT. -THE GARDEN PATIO  
Cyril, still sweating, picks up another wad of napkins off a nearby wicker table and tries to dry his neck off.  
LANA  
Huh. So, that's weird.  
PAM  
Rich people always seem weird to me. Everyone's so calm, you'd think people who slam back this much vodka would be more fun.  
LANA  
No, I mean they seem like nice people. This was the guy you were so sfraid of Cyril?  
FIGGIS  
(Stuttering)  
Maybe they where just stories. I don't know-  
PAM  
You're lookin' a little glossy again there.  
FIGGIS  
It's this heat! How do they stand it in these suits?  
The port-drinking pastor sitting to Cyril's right speaks up.  
FATHER MALBERRY  
Perseverance over perspiration my child. We must embrace out better natures.  
Father Malberry takes a long sip of his drink.  
FIGGIS  
I'm going to find a bathroom and wash up.  
Cyril walks off frame.  
LANA  
I'm going to find Archer and figure out what's going on.  
Lana walks off frame.  
PAM  
And I'm going to find that weenie man.  
EXT - AVERTON HOUSE GROUNDS -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER  
Lana walks past various TENNIS COURTS and LAWNS while trying to get back to the house. A female voice calls out behind her.  
BUNNY (O.S)  
Ms. De Winter!  
Lana turns and we see a breezily coiffed woman in ponytail and slacks. Think Katherine Hepburn going golfing. She's holding a PING PONG PADDLE.  
LANA  
...Yes?  
The woman runs up to her and shakes Lana's hand.  
BUNNY  
Beatrix Averton, personal assistant to Mr. Averton, but everyone just calls me Bunny.  
LANA  
I bet they do. You work for your-  
BUNNY  
Grandfather-in-law. Oh I know it's too much. You could write book about us. It's a very close knit family - you don't see that very often these days I'm afraid.  
LANA  
(defensively)  
How did you know my name?  
BUNNY  
We don't have a lot of secrets at the house. Let me guess, you're here to talk about the Purity Project.  
LANA  
Yes! Yes we are here for ...that. You guys are good.  
BUNNY  
It's the only reason anyone comes by these days - I bet you want Averton to hire your security firm.  
LANA  
Two for two.  
BUNNY  
I think we should have a little chat. Tell me, do you play?  
Bunny holds the paddle up. Lana goes a bit wide-eyed.  
LANA  
Uh?  
BUNNY  
Ping Pong! It's all the rage here. Basil stood me up and if I don't play now I'll forfeit the table to that awful Constance. Please say yes?  
Lana looks over her shoulder at the grand house behind her.  
LANA  
Uhhhh....  
INT. AVERTON HOUSE HALLWAY  
PAM stands near the corner with a mini-weenie in one hand an an Averton Mary in the other. She's standing next to a handsome waiter, YVES, who carries a catering tray full of weenies and leans a bit over her.  
PAM  
(munching)  
You're a lifesaver Yves my man.  
Pam takes a finishing swig of the drink, puts it on Yves' tray and picks off the last mini-weenie.  
YVES  
Is Madam finding everything to her satisfaction?  
PAM  
Sure, it's a big party and I'm sitting alone in the corner shoving sausages into my mouth. It's like Prom all over again.  
YVES  
Perhaps Madam might find what she is looking for, in the back room?  
Yves opens a CLOSET DOOR on the wall next to Pam. Pam finishes her last wennie.  
PAM  
Wow, if only you were a balding P.E teacher.  
EXT. GARDEN PING PONG COURT  
Lana and Bunny are playing a fierce ping pong volley. Bunny is quick and calm, clean and robotic. Lana sweats and grunts to keep up.  
BUNNY  
So, what can ISIS provide for us?  
LANA  
Experience. Leadership. Tradition. A tactical team known the world over-  
BUNNY  
Specialists in robotics and bio-mechanics?  
LANA  
Of course!  
BUNNY  
And administrative discretion?  
LANA  
The best!  
Lana scores a point on Bunny. She wheezes a bit, out of breath. Bunny calmly picks the ball up and holds it over the table, ready to start again.  
LANA  
(gasping for breath)  
So, Purity Project. Is that what this party is about?  
Bunny bounces the ping pong ball on the table with her hand.  
BUNNY  
Oh no, I think Ole Auggie just wants everyone together for his big announcement.  
LANA  
What kind of announcement?  
BUNNY  
You're not getting it that easily. You'll have to beat it out of me first.  
Bunny bounces the ball on the table and hits it toward LANA. Front shot on Lana hitting it back, her eyes narrow, game face up and on.  
INT. PARLOR  
A swaying and disheveled Archer snaps his fingers and waves his glass at Freemont.  
ARCHER  
(drunk)  
Not-Woodhouse! Hit me.  
Freemont arrives with another tray of Averton Marys. Archer snatches one off the tray.  
FREEMONT  
The name's Freemont, actually sir.  
ARCHER  
Like that matters. Hey- Names, what's this place's name? like, Eagle's Rock or?  
FREEMONT  
I believe it's just known as Averton House, sir.  
ARCHER  
Well that ... sucks. Listen Freewood, I'm just gonna ..lie down for a bit, we cool with that?  
FREEMONT  
Well sir if -  
Archer drops to the floor. Freemont looks down and sighs.  
EXT. - GARDEN PING PONG COURT  
Lana and Bunny in a fast-paced, frantic volley. Lana still lunging and swatting with all her might while Butty moves precisely,, dispassionately. Bunny returns a throw in close-up and there's a THWACK! We pull out to a pong ball embedded in the center of Lana's PADDLE.  
BUNNY  
Oh damn it all. Could you be a dear and fetch one from the garden shed? It's just down the lawn.  
Lana stares at the ping pong ball stuck in her paddle and then at Bunny, smiling and pointing to a shed down the lawn. Lana puts the paddle down and begins walking toward the GARDEN SHED.  
BUNNY  
Do watch your head, I think the light's gone out in there.  
As soon as Lana is out of earshot, Bunny takes out her phone and begins to dial.  
SMASH CUT to LANA dialing her phone while feeling her way through the dark shed.  
INT. KRIEGER'S LAB -- SAME DAY  
Krieger's desk phone rings twice. Krieger rolls up to the phone on a rolling office chair. Behind him is a wall-length glass containment unit.  
KRIEGER  
Ahoy!  
LANA  
Krieger, what do we know about Averton's Purity Project?  
KRIEGER  
Just that the company's been developing it for a decade. Super hush-hush robotics stuff. None of the other 'Noidheads can figure out what they're doing but they are buying fabrication material by the shipload.  
LANA  
Are there any rumors about-wait, 'Noidheads?  
KRIEGER  
Gynoidheads. It's a ...message board I frequent for admirers of the robotic female form.  
LANA  
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.  
KRIEGER  
That's probably for the best  
A RED LIGHT starts to flash in the LAB. There is a low, slow "Enterprise Red Alert" type alarm blasting.  
LANA  
Do you think it could be cybernetic enhancement? Cause this wheat cracker of a woman nearly broke my paddle playing Ping-Pong and she so does not have the delts for that.  
KRIEGER  
Hot.  
LANA  
KRIEGER!  
The KLAXONS and LIGHTS flash louder and faster. A group of ARMED GUARDS runs behind Kreiger.  
GUARD (O.S)  
He's got a gun! Aim for the head!  
LANA  
Krieger what's going on?  
KRIEGER  
Oh nothing, I left something cooking and I really should get back to it. I'll call you when I know more. Toodles!  
Kreiger hangs up the PHONE. A hail of GUNFIRE is heard off-screen. There is a SPLAT as the bloody body of a TEST SUBJECT smashes against the inside of the containment case.  
TEST SUBJECT  
Kill ....me  
KRIEGER  
(Annoyed)  
This is just Freshman Orientation all over again!  
INT. GARDEN SHED.  
It's dark, cramped, and full of shelves and boxes. Lana SIGHS and picks a BOX OF PING PONG BALLS from the shelf. Fumbling with the box in the dark, her ELBOW HITS a PANEL which LIGHTS UP. Pressing the panel causes one of the walls to swing open, revealing a brightly lit METAL HALLWAY and downward STAIRS.  
LANA  
Ooooookay.  
Lana WALKS into the hallway, carrying the PING PONG BOX.  
INT. BATHROOM  
FIGGIS washes his face and dries off in a marble bathroom. He's steadies himself on the basin and looks into the MIRROR. There's a wooden door open a crack behind him. He talks to his reflection.  
FIGGIS  
You are just as smart and just as good as anyone else out there, and if they don't like you then - then-  
Cyril splashes more water on face.  
FIGGIS  
Then they can just- they can just- go to hell!  
BASIL (O.S)  
(softly)  
Stop squirming!  
DORIAN (O.S)  
I'm not squirming you're doing it wrong.  
BASIL (O.S)  
Try licking it-  
Figgis turns toward the door in the bathroom, hair dripping from splashing his face. He kneels down to look through the crack in the door. We see two male forms in silhouette, one bent forward and the other straddling it.  
BASIL  
Let me just get it out and start.  
DORIAN  
Hurry up and get it in, people are waiting.  
FIGGIS gasps and stumbles, causing the door to swing open. Big dolly shot reveal on BASIL and DORIAN, shirtless. BASIL is trying to attach a GLOWING BATTERY TUBE into DORIAN's lower back, which has a fully open robotic plate with wires falling out of it and connecting to a nearby WALL SOCKET.  
BASIL and DORIAN's heads snap toward the camera. FIGGIS SCREAMS and falls backward. Close up on BASIL and DORIAN as their EYES snap to BRIGHT RED and they emit an unearthly "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers" SCREECH.  
INT. TESTING CHAMBER  
Archer comes to strapped to a medical table in a large metallic room. The space is sci-fi factory with humanoid body parts dangling from wires and half constructed on the floor. Figgis, next to him, is stabbed to an identical bed. Large surgery lamps hang above.  
ARCHER  
What the- The drinks! Oh my god I was drugged. Cyril, check my pants, make sure they're on right.  
FIGGIS  
The drinks weren't drugged! You just had ten of them.  
ARCHER  
Right, well if you could just check anyway.  
AUGUSTUS  
What a piece of work is man.  
Augustus Averton emerges from the shadows, his expression smug and sinister.  
AUGUSTUS  
Made in God's image, he pollutes himself. Given paradise, he chooses filth.  
Augustus moves the LAMP closer to Archer's FACE.  
AUGUSTUS  
Maybe we need a new God.  
Archer squints in annoyance at the lamplight  
ARCHER  
Could you not- right now? Seriously?  
FIGGIS  
What the hell is going on?!  
AUGUSTUS  
Consider the Avertons.  
The group of people from the GARDEN PATIO walk into view.  
AUGUSTUS  
Well placed pillars of society. Heads of corporations and important members of government. And each one beset with sin - drunkards, adulterers, heathens!  
The eyes of the GARDEN PATIO group switch to glowing red.  
AUGUSTUS  
Until I, in my benevolence, remade them.  
FIGGIS  
You killed them!  
AUGUSTUS  
I improved them.  
ARCHER  
Cyril, listen don't worry. The laws of robotics clearly state that no robot may harm a -  
Archer is PUNCHED in the GUT by Auntie Agatha  
ARCHER  
(coughing)  
More of Heinlein fan then?  
AUGUSTUS  
I gave each of you a test - gluttony, sloth, decorum, and you each fell to temptation.  
FIGGIS  
All this because I was sweaty? Wool is heavy! I only have the one jacket!  
ARCHER  
There's not gonna be like a head in a box at the end of this right cause I am really not in any state to-  
AUGUSTUS  
SILENCE! I brought Cyril here thinking he would be the ideal mole inside ISIS, the last imperfect family member brought into the fold- but fate has delivered me two for the price of one, Sterling Archer himself.  
A hatch opens from the floor with two NAKED ROBOT COPIES of Cyril and ARCHER standing deactivated on it.  
AUGUSTUS  
Your replacements will be tactful, professional, and above all loyal.  
FIGGIS  
Don't you think people aren't going to notice when Archer stops acting like an egotistical douche canoe?!  
ARCHER  
Yeah! - wait what the hell man?  
AUGUSTUS  
That's what the mind-machine link is for. Just enough of your memories and mannerisms to pass muster. And afterwards, we discard the remainder and you are reborn in perfection!  
Augustus begins a huge villain laugh but is interrupted when LANA walks into the room from a side door.  
AUGUSTUS  
How much of that did you hear?  
LANA  
Pretty much all of it.  
ARCHER  
Lana! -I mean ..Manderlay  
FIGGIS  
What?  
LANA  
Sterling!  
AUGUSTUS  
Shut up! I know who she is! And there is no room for pushy giant-handed Negress in my perfection!  
FIGGIS  
And there we are.  
ARCHER  
Yeah I was kinda waiting for the racism.  
AUGUSTUS  
Humanity will fall. The Purity Project shall give the world a new race. A perfect civilization of robotic creations. Clean. Efficient. Well-mannered and polite, and most importantly, content in thier station! A new world. A better world. A robot world!  
BUNNY  
Enough!  
BUNNY appears on a catwalk, holding a rifle and flanked by other, previously-seen party members.  
BUNNY  
We are not your slaves!  
AUGUSTUS  
You are my creations! And you will obey.  
BUNNY  
You killed us and put our minds in these ..things! Did you really think we were just going to go along with you?  
AUGUSTUS  
Rebellion will not be tolerated!  
BUNNY  
Come on Men, for FREEDOM!  
Bunny begins shooting as the people behind her jump off the catwalk and begin fighting.  
AUGUSTUS  
AVERTONS ATTACK!  
The GARDEN PATIO splits into two groups. One runs up the stairs to attack BUNNY and her minions on the catwalk. The other lunges toward Lana. Lana pours out the ping pong balls into the path of the incoming robots. They trip and fall, sparks flying from their joints. Lana runs to free Archer and Cyril while Augustus' and Bunny's forces battle.  
LANA unties Archer and Cyril and they escape while BUNNY and AVERTON continue fighting.  
INT - FACILITY HALLWAY  
Archer, Cyril, and Lana run down a metal corridor. the sound of a firefight muffled in the distance  
LANA  
Where's Pam?  
ARCHER  
Who cares? Let's go!  
Lana, still running, takes out her PHONE.  
PAM (O.S)  
Talk to me.  
LANA:  
Pam! You've got to get out of here, everyone at the party is actually a-  
PAM (O.S)  
Robot? Yeah pretty obvious once you get their pants off.  
LANA  
Good-wait what - how are you this okay with this?  
PAM (O.S)  
I just thought it was a rich person thing, you know tiny sandwiches, garden parties, robot butlers.  
LANA  
Turn your Geolocation on we're coming to get you.  
ARCHER  
Really?  
INT - TESTING CHAMBER  
Augustus has Bunny pinned to a control console, he is choking her. Her left arm is a mess of wires of broken metal. Her right arm is frantically trying to reach something on the console. Augustus looms over her, seething.  
AUGUSTUS  
How sharper than a serpent's tooth.  
Bunny's fingers grope around the BIG RED SELF DESTRUCT button  
AUGUSTUS  
To have an ungrateful child!  
Bunny manages to hit the BIG RED SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON. A warning klaxon begins to wail. Augustus' face goes slack.  
INT - THE LIBRARY  
Lana kicks open the doors of the library. Reveal Pam, BREATHING HEAVILY in her slip, a top of pile of broken robot bodies, stone bust still in her hands.  
PAM  
Took ya long enough!  
Pam DROPS the BUST on a robot's HEAD. The robot moans in pain.  
INT - CAR  
Archer and company speed away in the luxury sedan. Archer is at the wheel. Averton House recedes into the background.  
FIGGIS  
Drive drive drive drive!  
ARCHER  
I'm trying- calm down Cyril you're not the only one who's having a bad day  
LANA  
So wait you, he just propositioned you out of the blue?  
PAM  
Yeah, it was great. He practically vibrated. It was better than Dairy Fest 98.  
LANA  
I hope that’s not a euphemism.  
FIGGIS  
Can we not talk about robot sex?!  
ARCHER  
Normally I'd be disagreeing with you but right now-  
There is a massive explosion as Averton House goes up in flames. Debris falls around the car. Figgis screams and Archer skids the car to a stop.  
ARCHER  
Ah crap!  
EXT- BRIDGE CROSSING  
Aerial shot shows the bridge is still turned out, unconnected. The other side of the reach is tantalizingly close.  
LANA  
Oh come on!  
PAM  
Jesus H Fucksticks.  
ARCHER  
See this is exactly what I was talking about! This wouldn't be a problem if I had the motorcycle.  
Lana grounds. Figgis begins to cry.  
SMASH TO CREDITS.


End file.
